cooper enjoying a yummy loco pop!

i can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

if all goes well, i will finish chapter four this afternoon and chapter five this weekend (or the first of next week).

let's hope!

dear jeff,

please never ever ever play "spiders (kidsmoke)" again. because, as my brilliant friend sandi pointed out, "spiders don't fill out tax returns!"

love,
amanda

let me say this - i will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever (never ever) get that drunk again.


i have a terrible feeling in my stomach, and i cant decide if it's b/c of the alcohol or something i did. it's probably the alcohol.


oh lord.


damn you alcohol.


the end.

+


=




introducing yamma... susan's knocked up baby w/ john, the scientist/exotic dancer pirate!

oh dear lord! "X" marks the spot... i think i've found it, and by it, i mean my summertime tv program. i usually watch big brother (whatever, i know you love it), but this year, the wonderful people at cbs have given me "who wants to be a pirate?!?" (i believe the proper name is pirate master but who cares! i mean, this is coming from a girl who still refers to deal or no deal as "what's in the box?!?")

anyway, i urge you to check it out: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/pirate_master/

i think we should make it into a thursday night drinking club/game. we could all log onto ichat (or AIM or whatever you have) and have a massive video conference. every time something retarded happens - you guessed it- we'll DRINK. ARGH!

and if you can't hang... to the plank, bi-atch!

i'm bored. i'm in the nashville airport. i decided to pay the internet fee b/c i have about a 3 hr layover.

my trip home was nice. it gave me a chance to relax before getting to work on my thesis. i'll be pretty busy in the coming months. i mean, as soon as i get home, i will take my masters exam (wish me luck). then, i'll be writing, writing and writing some more until i'm finished. i'm trying to finish up by the end of september. it's my goal to be done by the time the state fair rolls in to town!

i wish i had more to write, but i don't have very much to report.

oh, i think sandi and i are going to try either dream diners (http://dreamdinners.com/main.php?static=dd_dreamdinnersexperience) or my girlfriend's kitchen (https://secure.mygirlfriendskitchen.com/home.php). i can't wait to try it! i think it will be fun!

alright, i'm done!

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=405415

i took the mcat today. i don't think i did very well... and of course, as you can tell by the link, the other kids feel the same way.

however, taking that test today made me realize two important things

1. computerized exams suck!

2. it's not the end of the world if i have to retake it.

unfortunately, i wasted quite a bit of time on the physical science b/c the computer screen was blinking. it was subtle, but it was enough to make me sick. after the first section, i took the 10 minute break - only to throw up in the bathroom (TWICE). i think it was a combination of a serious case of anxiety, a screwed-up computer screen and some high powered antibiotics (i've been sick with a nasty little bacterial infection). oh well!

with all that being said, i think there is a 85% chance that i'll have to retake it (ugh, insert moans and groans...and not the good kinds either). it isn't all that bad though. i'll just finish up my masters between now and the end of august/early september. after i finish with that, i'll start studying again for the JAN exam while i'm looking for a real job!

but for now... and until the end of june, i'm going to pretend like i aced that bitch!


alright people! thank you for all your well wishes and support. it means more to me than a stupid score on some retarded test (that's supposed to predict how well i do in medical school... ha!)

I am a Daffodil What Flower Are You?

You have a sunny disposition and are normally one of the first to show up for the party. You don't need too much attention from the host once you get there as you are more than capable of making yourself seen and heard.

sloan played sandi's bday again....

here's the proof: http://picasaweb.google.com/e.amandasnyder


have fun!

"There's no going back on this endeavor. Keep a positive attitude."

hi diary.

today, i'm writing because i am absolutely appalled with our local news stations (and newspapers for that matter).

why is it that every news station in NC is reporting this rape? is it because it's a crime that many people disregard and deserves more attention? OR is it because it follows a much publicized rape case that has gained national attention?

i personally think it's because we want to be in the spotlight. it's sensational news reporting at it's best (or worse?). what upsets me the most is that it's disguised by the idea that we are promoting rape awareness. oh, please! you mean to tell me that all of a sudden (out of nowhere) these rapes are happening to duke university students? wow! what are we going to do? why are these "rich, intelligent" students committing these heinous crimes? something must be wrong with society today (especially since these students are the cream of the crop, the best we have to offer, etc).

i guess all i'm trying to say is that this isn't a new problem. it happens every day (uh, multiple times a day) to people of all demographics.

and let us not forget that the people who commit these crimes come from all demographics as well!


i mean, think about it. if you were raped tonight, would you report it?

would you report it knowing that it would just become another news story?

i think it is hard enough as it is - dealing with violation issues, self-doubt and fear. i can't imagine what it would be like if i had to worry about turning on the tv in fear that i'd hear (over and over again) about how i'd been victimized.


though i think it is important to draw attention to crimes of this nature, i feel as though it shouldn't be done in this manner.


ok, i'm sorry to rant and rave like this, but i needed to get it all out.

i love you all!

hey guys,
i got this email from woody (my best friend from high school). anyway, you should check this site out if you have spare time!

"Hey Friends...

After months of me telling you that I actually have a job and that I
do shit... here's the proof... go to www.vbs.tv
its an online network of music, news and entertainment... in conjunction with mtv/viacom and
vice magazine... we upload new shit everyday
my first gig was with this band called the virgins.... the show is
called practice space... now the whole world can see my ugly mugg"

i know i haven't posted in a long time. i've been super busy trying to manage everything in my life (key word: trying).

anyway, everything is going well. i have a boyfriend (yay)! things with him kind of took me by surprise seeing as how i hated him the first 6-7 months that we knew each other. needless to say, i'm very happy about him (even though i'm still getting used to the idea of having a boyfriend...geez).


i've been working on my research. everything is going well (??). it's been about 6 months since i made the decision to quit dental school, and even though i miss my patients, i'm happy that i quit. at times, it's hard to remind myself that quitting was a choice that i made (and not a failure).

speaking of missing my patients, i received a phone call from one of my favorite ex-patients today. she just wanted to chat. she told me she went to the dental school yesterday, and that it didn't feel right not having me as her provider. she kept telling me that she understood why i had left, but that she really missed me.

it made me feel good (and a bit sad) to have some sort of validation (even though i quit over 6 months ago). it made me happy that someone recognized the work i was trying to do. however, i still feel that it was a good thing that i quit. i loved working w/ my patients and helping them, but i hated what it was that i had to do in order to help them. confusing, right?

with that being said, talking to her today really lit a fire under my ass to study for the mcat. it reminded me how much i enjoy medicine, particuarly patient care. it really is my passion. every once in a while, i think i should just forget about practicing medicine. i feel like i missed my shot, or thew it all away. BUT today, with that one phone call, i realized that i won't be happy unless i'm practing medicine.

and now, i'm crying... so, i'm gonna stop.

i hope all is well with you.

i love you all :)

Merry Christmas!

so, i went to the NC state fair last night! yay! it was a lot fun, as usual. we had a lot of people so we split up into three smaller groups:

susan, carl, lindsay, david and i covered the exhibits - my favorite was the flower and garden show, but the cakes were awesome too!

ro and munchie covered the food and beverages (apparently they consumed enough to feed a small country)

sandi, mark and ginger were our designated riders (i can't ride fair rides anymore...they make me too sick)

after talking to a representative member from each group, i feel like i did everything at the fair... (which, in reality, is totally impossible)

here is a run down on the total food consumed:
5 corn dogs
1 hot dog
3 ears of roasted corn
1 (or 2??) funnel cake
1 cheesesteak
2 (maybe 3) fried candy bars
1 bag cotton candy
3 turkey legs
1 polish sausage
1 chicken tender platter
1 candied apple
100000000000 sodas

i think thats it! hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUSAN!

well well well, it seems as if i didn't need a year to make my mind up about the dds/phd program.

let's see. i have no idea where to start, but basically, i have decided that i am going to withdraw from dental school (the dds portion of my program). there's nothing wrong with dentistry. i just know that i don't want to pursue it as a profession. i don't love it. i don't have a passion for it. it just isn't right for me. i mean, i was sitting in 2nd year orientation, and i had to force back the tears. i just had this overwhelming feeling of urgency - i had to get out of there and away from dentistry. i kept thinking, "so, you know you don't want to do it. be brave. just get up and leave."

what i do love is medicine (in general). i love patient care. i love helping people. i love knowing that i can make a difference. i want to be a clinician. i want to be a health care provider.

BUT i don't love dental medicine. i never have, and i doubt (very seriously) that i ever will. doesn't mean i don't like it (or find it interesting), but i know i don't LOVE it.

so, why did it take me so long to realize this? i have no idea! i think because i blamed a lot of it on my program, and all the crap that was associated with that.

i mean, i enjoyed dental school the first year...before i was really involved in the whole dental aspect of it. truthfully, i think i knew that i wasn't interested in dentistry all along. foolishly, i thought that i would be able to look past what i didn't like and survive knowing that i was providing a service to someone. i would think to myself, "well, if i can cut this tooth and remove the decay, i will be able to help this patient. AND what do i ultimately want to do? help people by making them feel better!" unfortunately, i don't like cutting preps and removing decay. BUT how was i supposed to know?

what is dentistry anyway? in reality, it is just a medical specialty. i guess it just wasn't/isn't the specialty for me. not to say that it is a bad specialty, really!

i'm not sure what i'm going to do now. my plan is to apply to medical school. BUT what i will do between now and then (when i am accepted and actually start)... i have no idea. i think my best bet is to continue working toward my phd (or ms). i still have to talk to dr. flood about all that. the truth is, even if i start right now, it will be a minimum of TWO years before i could start medical school. i have to study for the mcat, take the mcat and apply to school (1 year from now). then, i won't start until the FOLLOWING FALL (2008). so, i have some time. that's only if i get in on my first try. i've got some things going for me (med school and dental school are basically the same during the first year - and i did very well in those classes), but i also have things against me (quitting a program...uh???).

i guess time will tell. all i know is that i feel a lot better. i'm scared as shit, but i must say that i am proud of myself for not being too scared to say "hell, i made a mistake. i don't like dentistry. i don't want to spend the rest of my life doing it."

LIZA'S LAST NIGHT IN TOWN:
http://s6.photobucket.com/albums/y248/ellajane/LIZA%20PARTY/

ENJOY!

ps. i'm leaving for new york w/ liza tomorrow. we will be driving a uhaul...wish us luck, k?

ehhh,
i don't know where to start. so much has happened in the past three months. most people who read this know what i'm talking about (maybe too well), but i still want to "fill in" those who don't know. also, i can look back on this post b/c i plan to make some promises to myself that i want desperately to uphold. otherwise, i'll be sitting here next year in the same position, feeling the same way -- defeated.

first, i quit my prelim exam. for those of you who do not know, the "prelim" is the qualifying exam for the phd, and you MUST pass it to become a phd candidate. basically, in our program, you write a grant based on some idea that you find worthwhile. for many reasons, some of which i do not want to mention in here, i decided i wasn't ready to take the exam. at first, i was excited about the opportunity to take it. i thought i'd learn a lot, blah blah blah. however, i quickly realized that i'd have to write this exam to please my committee (and not myself). i couldn't escape the feeling that unless i wrote what THEY wanted me to, i'd fail. maybe i am too sensitive to criticism. who knows?!? BUT i do know that i was continuously defending myself and my ideas. i am aware that a life in science requires you to defend your work and your ideas, but i'm not ready to do that. especially when i feel like i wasn't allowed to "defend" myself at all. if i made a good point, they would acknowledge it. then, ten minutes later, they'd be back on my case again. because (in my opinion) they wanted me to change my topic to something they found more interesting..more worthwhile.

this sort of stuff happens to them (my committee members) all the time. for example, an investigator writes a grant. the grant is rejected and returned to the investigator w/ suggestions of what to change. changes are made, and the grant is re-submitted. sometimes the grant is funded. sometimes it isn't.

BUT this was just a prelim exam... or so i thought. this was supposed to be my opportunity to write about something i found interesting. at this level, i shouldn't have to worry about appeasing a "study section." it wasn't about funding. i was about ideas, and the ability to communicate those ideas.

so, i quit. i just couldn't do it. i wasn't ready.

don't get me wrong. i love science. i am a scientist at heart, but i am not sure i can do it for a living. sometimes, you have to leave the things you love alone. unfortunately, i feel like a life in science would drive me crazy. i don't want money, publications, acknowledgment and fame to drive my interests. the whole idea of it just makes me feel worthless. i guess it is a question of "selling out" or not. who would have thought?!?

the good thing is that most of the people associated with the dds/phd program are very supportive. when i told them i wanted to quit (the prelim), they said "ok." the truth is that my program doesn't work. i can't even begin to explain it, but i have come to the realization (finally) that doing two things at once is impossible. especially when they are at opposite ends of the spectrum. i mean, dentistry and basic science do not mix. they just don't! so, it's like i have to split myself down the middle and do both. i have to be a dental student (which i'm not), AND i have to be a phd student (which i'm not). BUT the truth is i'm a dds/phd student! it's a completely different program. it isn't the dds. it isn't the phd. it is the dds/phd program. i know that sounds stupid, but how can you expect someone to do their best when they are constantly jumping from one thing to the next.

after 3 weeks of serious (SERIOUS) thought, i have decided to focus primarily on dentistry (at least at this point anyway). trying to do both has caused me to doubt myself. i have a severe lack of confidence in my ability to do either (which probably factors into my prelim experience to some degree). SO, hopefully, concentrating on one will allow me to build some confidence. i plan on focusing on the dds (dentistry) for a year. after that, i will re-evaluate. i can either continue with dds alone OR come back to the dds/phd. if i decide to do the dds alone, i will take a leave of absence from the phd until i finish. at that point, i will come back and complete my phd. most likely, i see myself coming back to the dds/phd after one year. i just need some time to focus on ONE thing.

anyway, a year from today (july 10, 2007) i plan on having decided if i will do the dds/phd or just the dds alone. i think i owe it to myself to try this for one more year. i tried it their way for three years... it's time to try it my way. if i am unhappy with both at the end of a year, i will quit the program altogether.